An old man standing in the rain…
I was a strange child, which isn’t completely surprising when you consider that I’m a strange young adult. During the summer, I’d sometimes go outside into the rain without an umbrella. I mean, I always loved taking showers; and on a hot, warm day, it felt like God was giving me a huge shower.
Something about it is cathartic too — standing under the rain. I wonder if I can still do that, metaphorically speaking. Or perhaps, even literally? I mean, it wouldn’t look too unusual if I wore a raincoat and was jogging. The true catharsis, though, comes from being drenched.
This post is about letting go of toxic ego.
Foundations
Before I talk about my own experiences, I want to quickly talk about character.
It’s very important to have character. It acts as a foundation in times of need and builds resilience. A lack of character does not necessitate unhappiness, but a lack thereof almost inevitably leads to destruction.
As long as life is a source of tragedy, the happy individual with little character will have his world turned upside down. And not only this, the cognitive negativity in his life will be perpetuated. That is, by definition, a lack of resilience.
But, what is character? I’d like to define these things for myself. Perhaps, it may be of use to you.
Character consists of two parts: integrity and humility.
These parts can be summed up as strength, and the effect is resilience. They are fueled by compassion.
Integrity is to say what you mean and to do what you say. It means to stay firm in your beliefs.
Humility is to value the dignity of others as equals and to change your beliefs for the greater good. It means that you are not God.
Do you see the difficulty? What consists of character seems to be contradictory. But, it doesn’t have to be — because integrity is larger than humility.
Having integrity doesn’t necessitate inflexibility because one of the beliefs to stay firm in can be humility — to always be open to change for something greater.
Down Came The Rain
I lack character because I lack humility.
For a time, I thought that I had character because I thought I was being strong despite difficult times. It turns out that I wasn’t being strong. I was being inflexible — with no room for humility.
And, it turns out that I never really grew up.
When you’re a child, it’s understandable when you lack humility. You might even be so happy — like I was — that you might think that it’s not necessary. After all, it’s fun to say, I am the best, when you’re surrounded by good people in good times.
But, it was a lack of character that perpetuated my increasingly negative perspective of myself and the people around me. And where humility should have been, I went to the other extreme of pride.
And with pride — came anger.
I was especially angry when people looked down on my dad, my mom, or my siblings. I hated being poor or feeling less-than because things weren’t going so well. And over time, my defense mechanism as child no longer worked. When I was bullied, I used to reply, “You’re words don’t mean anything because I’m better than you.”
But, no one’s really better than anyone. Each individual may be more useful in specific situations, but a person’s inherent dignity is equal across all time and culture.
I knew this, but I wish I practiced it. I wish I practiced character.
Looking back, I wish I just let things be instead of being driven by an incessant drive to be successful. I wish I worried less about making sure my parents could retire or that my little brother could afford college. I wish I worried less about how I would need to be competent in case something bad happened to the family.
I let worry, fear, and anger to squander my natural love for making people happy. I let it stop me from developing my true strengths, and I ended up pursuing something that I didn’t even want. If I just followed my heart from the beginning, things would have been different — much different.
I wasted so much time for nothing. You could argue that it taught me a few things, but I only confronted what I already knew. I ignored them because I let fear become stronger than my values.
Please don’t be like me. I lost things that I can never get back.
Practice character. Capitalize on your strengths. We live in a time where even creatives can make the same, if not even more, than “regular” jobs. But, don’t be stupid and reckless. Be okay with patience and criticism. Be okay with failure and suffering.
Don’t be an old man or woman in a nursing home, regretting your whole life because of the relationships that you didn’t make — because of the happiness that you chose not to create.
Flourish, goddammit.
Repose
Most of all, I wished my character was strong enough, so I never stopped smiling. I wish I could go back in time, maybe the 7th grade. I wouldn’t need anything, not even lottery numbers, but a change in perspective.
I would have been friendlier towards people… I would have been friendlier towards that girl who passed. If I stayed as hopeful and optimistic as I was as a child — just maybe — I could have made things better.
If I was okay with the way things were, because they really were, I could have made her believe that things weren’t so hopeless. It’s okay to be poor. It’s okay if things are bad. It’s okay to be alone — except you wouldn’t be alone.
You’d be hanging out us — with the friends that I never lost. You’d be hanging out with others too — the new ones I should have made. And, I’d bring you free food, just cause. And, I’d text you about the stupid but funny shit I was thinking about all day. And…
Sigh
The past is over. And now, I know. From now on, there are no excuses. I’ve already failed and lost — failed and lost…
But, I feel hope. I don’t have much right now, but I can start again. I’ve decided to follow my way, and I’m practicing humility. The fear is still strong, but I’m determined to beat its ass. Of course, I’ll still be ugly as usual. But, I’ll feel a lot better. And maybe, others will too.
I still have the rest of my life to live. And for whatever reason, I feel like I could do some damage — for good, of course.
An Old Man
“I think he smiled,” she said, on the couch with a cup of tea. “I was reading near the window of the library, and I saw some old guy with an old timey kind-of hat.”
“You’re a creep,” he said, watching the Eagles play the Falcons.
“And, it started raining,” she said, ignoring him. “He had an umbrella in his hand, but he didn’t use it. I don’t know. He just looked so out of place.”
“What the fuck are the Eagles doing?!”
“His gray suit and pink tie was absolutely soaked. And, he just took off his hat and let the rain his face.”
“Wait… Yo! We’re gonna win! Alice, we got this shit in the bag — ”
“Fucking listen to me. This old dude was just standing under the rain. And, he was smiling like he was being filmed in some melodrama.”
“Yeah, what else is new? An old man standing in the rain — ”
The Eagles scored again on the Falcons, and Alice’s boyfriend went wild, making her spill tea on her favorite pajamas. As the pain dissipated with ice, she wondered as their home team celebrated in victory:
How can someone smile in the rain?
